The Spider Web

When I was 9 years old, I wanted more than anything to watch a scary movie. My older cousin boasted about watching Nightmare on Elm Street, and I didn’t want to be a wuss (even though I was) so I begged my parents to let me watch a horror film too. We started off with Beetlejuice, but that wasn’t scary enough for me. Next was Arachnophobia. That film paralyzed me in fear and although I don’t personally remember this, my parents claim I called them bad parents for letting me watch something so scary.

Jumping ahead a few years later to my 16 year old self… I was now afflicted with full-on arachnophobia. I had recently moved my bedroom down to the basement of our house so my two little sisters could have their own rooms. I had mentally prepared myself for the Daddy Long Legs I knew would join me, but I hadn’t expected the enormous, thick and furry garden spiders that I found on my wall one morning and in my bed one night. Traumatized, I screamed for my mom to come kill them and slept upstairs on the couch for a week.

I was a hot mess and could no longer kill even the small spiders I found just hanging around. I called my dad to the basement for every single one. Naturally, he got fed up pretty quickly.

“Megan,” he told me, “I can’t kill every single spider you find. I know you’re scared, but feel the fear and do it anyway.”

Something about his words resonated. The next time I found a tiny spider on the light switch, I grabbed a tissue, held my breath, and squashed the thing. I heard my dad’s voice in my head. Killing a bug is such a tiny accomplishment but it gave me the little bit of confidence I needed to go forward in taking care of my own insect issues. I still can’t kill the huge spiders (and thank goodness there hasn’t been another occurrence) but I can force myself to take care of the small-to-medium sized ones now.

Feel the fear and do it anyway.

I hear this mantra now when I’m sitting at my desk waiting to present. I say this to myself before I try a new gymnastics trick. I write it out when I start worrying about my college essays needing to be perfect.

Fear is like a web. It starts off as something small but evolves into something intricate and delicate – yet strong. It sucks you in and can render you powerless against its force. The key to escape is a hand to pull you out of the sticky trap. For me, my dad’s words became that hand.

Feel the fear and do it anyway.

I don’t want to live my life always playing it safe. I want to be bold and take risks. I’ve been scared of writing like this because it makes me feel vulnerable, but opening up will only benefit me in the long run. I have so many ideas and experiences to share, and if I only ever reach one person than it will all be worth it. I’m scared of failing, but I have learned that you can only fail if you never try. So, I’ve decided to try. I’m doing it anyway.

Starting this blog is my next step on this journey to make myself better. And taking the spiders outside instead of killing them is my next step on my insect-taking-care-of journey. Wish me luck on that one, because I’m going to need it!